Tag: joke

  • Jesus is watching you.

    A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’

    He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
    When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

    Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: ‘Jesus is watching you.’

    Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

    Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

    ‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.

    ‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’

    The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’

    ‘Moses,’ replied the bird.

    ‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’

    ‘The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’

  • On the Purina Dog Food Diet

    funny purina dog food diet joke

    Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at WalMart for my dogs Shadow and Lady.

    I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

    What did she think, that I had an elephant?

    Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that No, I didn’t have a dog – that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in the hospital last time.
    On the bright side though, I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

    Horrified, She asked : “Did you end up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned you?”

    I said: No not at all; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my ass and a car hit me.

    The guy behind her was laughing so hard, I thought he was going to have a heart attack!

    WALMART won’t let me shop there anymore.

    via funny-stuff.3961608.n2.nabble.com

    Posted via web from Monicks: Unleashed